- January 20th, 2009: hundreds of species are chased into extinction. Carbon monoxide poisoning is determined to be the cause, precipated by the largest collective sigh of relief in the history of North America.
- The current craze of adapting comic book franchises for film will officially jump the shark with the announcement of “Archie and Jughead: The Musical!”
- Sadly, no cure will be found this year for Sarah Palin.
- Five Points South will be shut down for another week in July for the addition of the forgotten “You Are Here” caption under the big red dot.
- Auburn’s next coach? Craig T. Nelson. Because hey — why not?
- Propostion 8 will continue to generate controversy, but professional wrestling attains unprecendented levels of popularity. Irony ensues.
- Small children will continue to fear Santa. Parents will continue to practice cruel mall-visit photosessions in the name of completely unrelated Christian beliefs.
- Heart disease will remain the number one killer in America, followed by cancer and club-hopping with NFL players.
- Waterboarding is brought back into practice after it is determined that the replacement practice of prolonged exposure to GREY’S ANATOMY gives a new definition to “cruel and unusual”.
- Sarkozy. No prediction here. Just say the name out loud. Chuckle. Repeat.
- Britney Spears, Paris Hilton and Linsey Lohan, fearing irrelevancy, leak video of their passionate night of “experimentation.” The verdict: still irrelevant. And a little skeevy. (I know, I know — I make a similar prediciton every year. The ‘skeevy’ is a reference to my imagination.)
- Most watched television of the year: Congressional hearing on the US Government’s bailout of its bailout funding.
- Corrupt politicians and businessmen will finally be proven, en masse, to no longer be safely above the law. There’s no joke here, and not really a prediction, as much as a sad, sad hope.
- Fortune cookie: This will be your last meaningless fortune. Ever.
- Speaking of which, though, Langford will propose his own plea bargain to the federal government. He will agree to plead guilty to some of the lesser charges against him in return for a domed stadium and 2020 Olympic consideration.
- Tim Tebow reveals the secret of his success and talent: clean living, regular exercise, a daily regimen of Aveda skin creams, and an apprenticeship to the Dark Lord of the Sith, Emporer Palpatine.
- Controversy will erupt when an Arizona fetus kills its unborn twin in utero, and the fetus is convicted as an adult for its crime. The fetus will later be acquitted on grounds that improper search warrants were used, rendering the planned defense of “too much Metallica played while the mother was pregnant” unnecessary.
- Dick Cheney: still scary.
- Tensions between Russian and Georgia escalate into full-blown war. Georgia’s “Blackout” strategy fails once again.
- The jobless rates will continue to rise through midyear. On the bright side, high unemployment rates will lead to lower obesity rates.
- Birmingham loses the prestigious “Most Dangerous City in America” title yet again, but in 2009, we’ll finally demand a recount. And win.
- This year’s hot reunion tour? Menudo.
- The secret to Apple’s success is revealed to be trace amounts of crystal meth in every MacBook and iPod.
2009: The Year in Preview
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