Lots of built up thoughts, part I

Perhaps an elitist or arrogant thought (and if it’s not, then the process leading up to it certainly is, as is the resulting chain): the people that you surround yourself with help determine your future path.

And by this I mean: the more successful the people around you, the more likely you will be successful. And not just riding on coattails (though that never hurts); it’s an issue of drive, ambition, having a pace runner on the track to keep you moving.

Surround yourself with people who aim low, and odds are good that you will find it more acceptable to do the same.

Surround yourself with escapists, and you will more likely follow them down those dangerous paths.

So: can you adjust this by being aware of the fact? Can you split your time between ambitious and lazy people, knowing the effects, and force yourself to ignore the lazy influence? Can a limited dose of intelligence and drive overpower an equal amount of immaturity?

I wonder this for my own sake, as well as for that of others.

And is it wrong to hope to influence others well? Or is that bordering on messianic tendencies?

It’s amazing how much can be understood about human dynamics, the hidden backgrounds of relationships, if you pay attention through your life.

With just a little bit of the participants’ histories and a glimpse of observation of the way they interact, it’s frightening how much I understand things that are so totally foreign to me.

And so I am left with the question of whether to leave it alone and let it ride, or to try to do something about it. And if the latter, what? How deeply do I get involved?

Or do I stick with my pact of “non-involvement in potential drama?” That seems like the safest way, in the long run, but is it the right thing to do? Do I havea responsibility to do otherwise?

When does helping someone who needs it (but has not asked for it) become interference?

My ship is about due to come in, creatively & financially. I tend toward thinking that I haven’t been active enough in shifting things from free to profitable, but I know that’s not the case (when I stop and think about it). So that leaves me with the knowledge that, way too often, I’m being too nice, too giving.

But shouldn’t that balance out eventually? Isn’t that the way karma works?

Why do I believe so firmly in karma when it involves balancing the negatives that I’ve created or caused, but not so much so when it should mean that I’m gaining from it?

Le fucking sigh.

Why are abnormal things bad?

Deviant sexual behavior is not necessarily bad, right (right-wing morons can take comments to someone who cares)? It’s not practiced by the majority, but if both parties consent, then it’s okay… right?

And some mental issues are by nature bad — depression, for instance. But what about mania? It’s not a painful condition to experience (though the after-effects can be; but that can be controlled through self-awareness, at least in my case). Schizophrenia is scary, but I’ve known a few mildly schizoprhenic people who were okay with it (these, obviously, were more of the grandeur than persecution varieties).

So why do we insist on calling things that are different by negative labels? Codependent relationships — or for that matter, relationships that are founded on something other than what “experts” tell us is right — are “unhealthy.” Different ways of thinking are branded “abnormal” (not inherently a negative term, but often connoted as such) or “weird” or “fucked up.”

Why can’t different just be different? Why do we (and I admit to inclusion, though I’m trying hard to change that) insist on judging and condemning things that are not in our nature or experience instead of learning and experiencing?

If I didn’t hold most philosophy students in such low regard, I would have gotten a graduate degree in the subject.

Which would qualify me to do nothing more than verbally masturbate for money.

Now that I put it that way, it doesn’t sound so bad. Although, as Chance and I both like to say, ” Good work — *if* you can get it.”

Justice? Here, then, is your justice:

Freestar Media, LLC: “Justice Souter’s vote in the ‘Kelo vs. City of New London’ decision allows city governments to take land from one private owner and give it to another if the government will generate greater tax revenue or other economic benefits when the land is developed by the new owner.

On Monday June 27, Logan Darrow Clements, faxed a request to Chip Meany the code enforcement officer of the Towne of Weare, New Hampshire seeking to start the application process to build a hotel on 34 Cilley Hill Road. This is the present location of Mr. Souter’s home.”

Brilliant! This has to go through — and then the authors of the Patriot Act and every politician that supported it should have their library records and internet logs released to the public.

Bookmarked: free games

Tom’s Hardware Guide Games & Entertainment: Ten Free Games Worth Downloading – Free Games? What, Like A Pong Remake?: “Still, a little patience and a lot of browsing through sites like Acid-Play, GameHippo and Game Maker Games brought up a lot of hopefuls. That eventually resulted in this list of ten titles – in no particular order – that you should check out, just to see what gamers are up to in their free time. Trust me, some of these are good enough that you’d like to see them appear in a box one day.”

Allergies kicked my ass today

So if there’s rumors of me getting fired, just remember — they had good cause.

No, wait. I mean…

But getting past the stuffed up head and the metric shitload of snot:

I’ve really come a long way over the past years in my comfort level in myself, and in getting past my insecurities. Tonight was good proof of that.

Life is wonderful today, if never again.

It’s good to remember the happy times in life.

Lots of little red things

Regarding red hair: it’s been far too long.

Regarding Redsong: the mix is rough, rough, ruff, roll me over now, but I think the arrangement is exactly what I wanted, and I does believes that Eric will be happy with it, as well (the really important part).

Regarding red… okay, I lied. Only two red things.

And on other fronts, it’s amazing how things fall into place sometimes.

I tell myself that I will stop looking, stop acting, start adjusting; and I do, sort of, or at least I feel like I’m well on my way. I’m playing by my own self-enforced rules, and though there are some roughs spots (and I’m obviously self-medicating, trying to do too many things in order to distract myself — though admittedly it’s a lot healthier than alcohol as a red herring), I’m getting through okay.

And as of last week, I find myself fighting promises I’ve made, rules I’ve made, boundaries I’ve set in place.

But as expectations fall away, and realizations about content come to the surface, I start to realize that those rules are stupid. Sure, there’s some adjustment internally to be made; if not, history repeats itself, and I’m tired of being in that loop. But…

But. There’s the key word.

I’m walking through the day surprised at myself, unable to think straight, fidgety, ready for the night to arrive. And none of this is surprising, except that I had thought that a part of the past, dead to the bitterness I’ve gathered and stored.

I had decided a while back that people with whom I shared mutual surface interests were not all that great. And I still stick to that, but I’m reminded that there are no rules, only expectations. Tattoos, comic books, horror movies, the English language…

If she’s not so bad, then that means I’m not so bad, either, hunh?

Amazing how a negative view of others with commonalities to oneself can affect self-image. And equally amazing, and wonderful as well, how finding someone who breaks that stereotype can boost the mirror image.

That’s just knowing that they’re out there. And there’s so much more than that.

Things feel as though they are falling into place across the board — not necessarily at the top of the chain, but at least another rung on the ladder, another step forward. And while I remain constantly aware that this is just another wave in a repeating series – well, at least it’s the apex ahead of me.

I’ll worry about the break when it comes.